These dreams….

I am a dreamer.  I have these VIVID dreams that inspire me and bring me change.  I also have these horrendous nightmares that try to steal from me.

I don’t talk about my nightmares, but I do describe a PORTION of my past pain.  Quite a bit.  I speak the portion I feel that doesn’t hurt others.  I reserve the severe for God.

I’ve recently begun to question this.

I wonder if I’m scared of history repeating itself, and think that if I tell the “acceptable” parts of the story, that I get to let go of the unacceptable parts, and go to next chapter.  In other words, somehow that will prevent me from having to go back to start, so to speak.

Maybe it gives me a sense of control over a time when I was desperately grasping for some sense of control – but felt I had none.

Furthermore, if I am honest with myself, I am not just trying to gain a sense of control over my past, but I am completely scared of my future.   What’s there?  More fighting all the time?  That makes me feel a little tired, but I’m ready for it.  I’ve learned to enjoy fighting, and if I back down from a challenge, something is desperately wrong.

Regardless, the thought of repeating certain seasons makes me cry – INSTANTANEOUSLY.

So I think it’s time I look backwards, to the pain, and say THANK YOU.  I’m letting go of this feeling that I somehow had the disadvantage.

I have been SO WRONG about my life.

What I am, is a rose bush, that didn’t just grow one rose, but tons and tons of them.  Every time I lose a branch or branches, I regrow 20 more, with more roses than ever before.

The impact of what I am becomes greater, and not because I am pouring out in this neat, tidy perfect way, but just by me – being and growing – in the places that I am planted.

So, when I look into tomorrow, I’m opening up my hands.  I’m reaching for it, but not too hard.

And when I look into yesterday, I’m opening up my hands.  I’m letting go, and being thankful.

And in my today – I dance.  I cry.  I sing. I write.  I pout.  I fight.  I work.  I sleep.  I awaken.   I anticipate.  I hope.  I empower.  I love.

 

HEBREWS 12: 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet,”[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.